You can smell the fear, says the host. It's come to this: pitching my book ideas American-Idol-style in front of the judges.

They call it Pitchapalooza, what a bunch of losers this writer buddy says after taking a look around the room. Must be how they came up with the looza part of pitch-a-pa-looza's name I think to myself.

Get it? -- Loser sounds a lot like Looza --

Wait, I'm here too. What's that say about me?

I scan the room, and do notice the interesting outfits among the 100-or-so wannabee authors gathered here. The fashion police would pitch-a-fit from-the-pa-looza's walking around here: fashion's moving violations of the highest order...then again the beauty of being a writer is that you don't have to work the runways.

Last year I started writing my first novel -- as mentioned on this very blog -- I've since given those pages a special resting spot on the shelf while I go off and work on my shorter fiction.

Yeah, so I'm really just here to watch the process that goes into a good pitch, or what they call the elevator pitch; smelling up all the fear and what my next move should be to avoid the Slush Piles --

You gotta have a great pitch suggests the Book Doctors out there. But, check out my man -- author Richard Price (watch video for his words of wisdom on writing and getting an agent) -- keep in mind he's not the worlds most captivating speaker -- can only imagine what his garbled pitch's are like:

(click read more)

'Watching that woman on the news that takes pictures of mansions go and turn her camera on stray dogs -- to bring out the personality of the dog -- showed how one person could effect lives. The dog found a home because of it.

I told this story to a friend that shoots fashion pictures and he just stared at me blankly -- a look that said: I don't get it.

I'm No Mother Teresa. But I get how helping others help themselves does some good for society.

'Really? Weather's on track to be both our planet’s hottest-and-most-extreme-on-record. Snowpocalypse anyone? -- something so wrong, yet so in our faces.

Have to wonder why isn't everyone riding that climate change boat -- people out there are still trying to turn it into a four-letter word that most politicians still won’t speak it's name out in public. Shouldn't it be a daily part of every stump speech until it's coming out their fat asses? --

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know: warm waters cause really extreme shit to happen.

If this was just some kiddie game, it wouldn’t matter much. Stupid people are just apart of the increasing muddy gene pool -- don't get me started. You can fudge the Science only but so much, just look out your window. Extreme Shit has hit the fan. Wearing my we were here t-shirt for a reason. It's over unless you rise up with me.

And getting right with Jesus has so little to do with it, but I'm still praying for the big dummies out there anyway to man-up and grow a pair --

After this year if anyone out there is still trying to discredit climate science -- I'm speaking in my full preacher voice here: they will have some serious paying to do -- with our lives.

'Watching TV: I'm the only fan of the surprise twist endings. It's like candy for the brain. And gets me wet in all the right places.

In a single word MTV's Skins -- the British import by-teens -- ** wink-wink ** -- for-teens -- explains everything I need to know about it. I'm looking at teens enjoying the ride -- trying to get wavy.

amirite?

Cue up Will Smith's Parent's Just Don't Understand --

Spoiler Alert: They'll be plenty of shocked parents shaking their collective heads at the ruination of our society; the MTV-generations reply suck it up --

This one screams ratings winner, even with the mute button on. The elevator pitch -- Jersey Shore meets Gossip Girl only the teens aren't played by 40-year-olds with caked makeup pretending to be nineteen. I'm Done.

Deal.

Back up the Brinks truck right here. Ca-Ching!

'Hosting Saturday Night Live I heard comedian Jim Carrey yell out "never lose your boy" during the final good-nights. I took that to mean keeping close to his inner-child served him pretty darn well in life. And fits right in with these next set of writing pearls.

Before you go checking under my hood and ask who-the-hell-are-you-to-offer-me-any-pearls-of-wisdom: I'll confess that I've only recently allowed fiction back into my life --

and got a bunch of fiction-workshop-notches loaded on my utility belt. Figure if I keep at it long enough something will stick along the walls of the right side of my brain.

During the past two years of workshops I jumped right into writing my first novel. Set that one aside to go ahead and master writing some short fiction -- set those pages aside to now...