Once in a while, before I totally catch myself, I start to fancy that I'll go off and write that book. What book, you say? Don't be silly darling, I wave you away with my fingers.

'Doesn't matter what book,

'shit, people don't even read 'em anymore anyway -- some of them make great doorstoppers? Back then, it was more to say I did it. Like joining that novelist club. The mere idea of prancing around in my fancy robes (one for each day of the week) -- and smoking a fancy pipe sounded just too sexy to me. A pipe dream.

'The reality is more like, 'girlfriend what type of crack pipe you been puffing? -- 'cause shit, man. Oh, man...

Writing.

Is.

Really F-ing hard - (with a major capital Fuck), yeah, that was then, and now is...so, okay, here's the deal.

I recently started writing a book, again. Haven't quite caught myself yet. I'm still floating down that denial river.

'Haven't got to that -- what-were-you-thinking? -- faze, just yet. Allow me linger in that dream, even if it's just a pipe dream (I'll stuff it in my pipe -- when I finally get one -- and smoke it).

According to my author gal-pal-in-my-head Lisa Scottoline's 9 TIPS FOR GETTING STARTED & STAYING MOTIVATED

I have gently embraced -- oh, ever so gently -- writing tip number four (cause two sounds way too much like a number two):

'Really? -- 'count to ten, breathe in slowly, and then exhale. 'gonna try to keep my cool here.

Take a letter Maria, address it to my wife, the New York Post (and others):

I know the big ugly oil spill isn't the New York Post's idea of front page news, they think sex and sluts -- yeah, that's what people want to see.

Here's how the New York Post rolls: 'just stick any stripped-down-to-her-bra-and-panties Madonna-wannabee all over your the front page (in bold fonts). Stir in a little fake outrage over giving some folks the finger, and it's all --

fun, fun, fun.

'Lady Gaga was no lady at Citi Field...' -- duh, she's an attention whore.

I do get it, in tough economic times we throw soft balls at people to distract them from any of the real issues that should be on the news.

But, how can you really dare call yourself a newspaper? Why not call it what it is: when the shit hits the fan -- or the oil spills into the gulf -- we like to go gaga over any stripped down bra and panties singer...I'd be fine with that. Stupid Trash sells a lot better than gushing oil.

A little honesty goes a long way.

There's a line in that Cyndi Lauper song 'Money Changes Everything' that goes: 'there was one thing we weren't really thinking of and that's money.'

yeah, you sang it right Cyndi --

'ain't it always about the almighty dollar?

That came to mind while I'm flipping through all the daily papers. Got me thinking well, if they just stick a Vampire in this problem, well -- it just might change everything...maybe even for the better.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm looking forward to HBO's True Blood (which for my money got it just right: Vampires and sex = hit).

I'll also be one of the first twihards in line for the next fix of that dumb low-rent -- c'mon sparkly vampires? really? -- Twilight saga -- (just call me a big sucker for a sexless romance) -- I'll be wearing my pink Go team Edward t-shirt.

I offer up the Writer-director Michael Patrick King here as the weakest link. Or, if you're a fan of the original HBO show looking for a perfect example of someone getting in the way of the story -- look no further.

As one reviewer put it: 'What is it about movie versions of hit TV series that the producers seem unable to recapture the magic that once had us glued to our TV screens?'

Well, if I remember correctly --

the best laugh-out-loud episodes of the show were not written by the show's creator --

don't believe me, go back and check the credits.

They had a powerhouse writing staff. Is it curious then why all the reviewers have said pretty much the same thing that the movie version was missing that

'same loony spritz' --

because instead of a powerhouse writing staff, they relied on the not so-funny King to write and direct and be funny. Knowing a few things about films, mostly from watching really bad ones --

I'm going to say a few checks and balances

some script notes saying "funny"

or not so funny --

'someone to bounce off a few ideas are sorely needed. So we can filter out the bad ones and keep the cream of the crop.

If you're the director (and writer and creator of the show and not so funny), well who do you bounce your ideas off?

'That Adaptation: From Page to Screen panel that I sat for wasn't a complete waste of time -- let's just say nobody was doing a happy dance afterwords unless they were leaving to a better place.

Here's how it went. Two of the biggest pretentious Dick-ish writers (both French) going on-and-on like they invented water -- talking in french no less...so we all waited for a translator to birth those pearls of wisdom, which sounded like just like chalk scratching on a blackboard, or worse.

It's 2010 and French people that don't speak the Kings English by now should stay their smelly asses in France, just saying.

Love the sound of your voice much?